New blog title, new start and a new life......

As you can tell I've changed my blog title to 'Starting over is a scary thing.....'. In a sense my life is beginning again - I'm getting divorced. I don't know if that's even the right way of saying it but if you happen to have the divorce manual pass it along. Not even sure where to start so lets go back....

Two years ago my husband was deployed to Afghanistan and when he came back in December 2008 things felt different, it was great having him home but things were just a bit off. He went back on the ship where he was stationed and spent the next year or so in and out of port on a regular basis, he was actually out to sea more then he was at home. When he received orders for Jacksonville, Florida I was beyond excited we could finally be a family again with no nights where he worked, no more sea trials/runs and we would have more of a "normal" life. He'd be home each night for dinner, Friday would be a half day and weekends were ours again. He moved down to Florida in March while I stayed in Virginia with the girls so they could finish out the school year, he called each night and came home twice in three months. Finally at the end of May he was back and we began our trip south. We attended my sisters wedding and then went on a family vacation through the mountains of Virginia/North Carolina which was alot of fun. My husband though was acting really weird - it didn't seem like he was having fun and whenever I asked what was wrong he said nothing that he was just concentrating on driving. Finally after four days of this I said I wanted to see a counselor in Florida, he had been acting distant and uninvolved and I wanted things to get back on track but he refused. I talked with my sister and she said it was just stress from the move, family vacation and settling back into being a family again.

We got all settled down here in Florida and his birthday rolled around, he wanted to get a flat screen TV for the master bedroom but we had just gotten a 42" TV for the living room and I said we should wait - there was no need for two brand new TVs. I gave him $200.00 in a birthday card and said he could couple that with whatever he saved or got from his family. I could tell he was ticked but honestly didn't care because the logic behind getting a second brand new TV wasn't smart. He came home Tuesday after work and I asked what was wrong again and he said honestly he was done. He was done with this marriage, he didn't want to go to counseling his parents tried counseling and things got worse between them, he didn't love me anymore in that way but would always love me as the mother of his children. I was in shock - seriously he was saying this 10 days after we moved 600 miles. I begged and pleaded for him to give this another chance, if he wanted to get the damn TV then to get it - that seems so silly now but I really didn't want my marriage to be over. I immediately called my sister and just laid it all out for her, I was sobbing, scared, sick to my stomach and just lost. I called my Mom and did the same thing to her - both just listened and let me repeat myself a thousand times. Hubby took the kiddos to the pool while I was on the phone and when he got home things were very awkward, we didn't really talk about anything that happened and that night he slept on the couch. I of course didn't sleep because I was in shock with what was happening.

The next day, Wednesday, after the girls and I got home from the library he and the oldest went out to the car dealership to look for cars. In May hubby was hit by another driver and his car was a total loss so we had been sharing a car for a week or so, he had the car 9 out of the 10 days that we had been sharing but had been looking around for new cars. Again I didn't think buying a new car was smart - I really wanted us to share for the summer, save money and then in September we could pay cash for a used car. Anyway my oldest called around 7pm and said that Daddy had gotten a new car and it was one without a lid (convertible). I lost it, I had said that if he bought a car he needed to understand this was over - I was against financing a car and that would be the straw that broke. I called my Dad and just kept saying I can't do this, I can't do this. Again my Dad was amazing, he just listened and offered support. I was in a daze that night, it was a real out of body experience - this wasn't my life and nothing made sense.

Thursday I was still in a daze but it was starting to sink in a bit.

Friday I was angry.

Why did he move us just to tell me he wanted a divorce?? Was there someone else? Why had he not said anything about being unhappy for the past two years? Why wasn't he willing to fight to keep our marriage together? How could he end this so quickly? Did the past years not mean anything??? I haven't gotten answers to most of those questions - I do believe here is/was someone else, 70+ phone calls to someone in a month, my sister called the number but I haven't and doubt I ever will.

Where does that leave us?? My Mom ended up coming down, she had planned to come down to see the new house and help decorate but ended up arriving a few days early and helped me to sort things out legally and financially.

I have decided the girls and I will be moving up to Rhode Island where my parents live, the plan is to live with them for a while as I figure out my life. I haven't worked in 5 years and have only taken college classes that interest me versus worked towards a degree. Believe it or not I'm actually okay with what's happening, I was very scared at first but that was more because I have relied on my husband in terms of financial support and I have two children, no income and no work history - I have been a homemaker which we agreed would be my occupation and I was/am scared. Our marriage wasn't great and we had our moments but I certainly never ever guessed we would be divorcing. I feel like a failure, I am scared of what's to come, I am worried about how my children will handle all that's to come, I am embarrassed to be 32 and moving back in with my parents (albeit temporarily) with two children.

So many emotions going on right now but I know that no matter what happens I have the best support systems - my parents, sisters, brothers and friends have been amazing.